Updated: Jun 12
James Langton here. I was on the official Tinder most 'Right-Swiped list of 2019.
I am the founder of Dater Help. I can help you create the Perfect Dating Profile or give you Dating Coaching via Zoom. I pride myself on having integrity when helping you create meaningful relationships from dating apps.
Enough about me, let's get into the reason why you clicked onto this blog post. You want to know how to send the first message to a match on Tinder!
Before we get into how to structure the first message, it's important that I tell you "hey, you ok?" is the worst possible message you can ever send on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc.
Everyone else messages exactly the same thing
Asking someone whether they are "ok" will only prompt them to say "yes" because they don't know you, why the hell should they tell you if they are ok or not?
The message is short and boring
It's very impersonal, it can apply to anyone - nobody likes small talk
Deep down, you know it's a low effort message
Disclaimer: When you are on Tinder or another dating app, you are dealing with real people. Getting the most out of dating-apps is being respectful, and not putting your matches, or yourself in danger if you do meet. Just because you matched, doesn't mean they owe you anything! Safety is key.
Now you know what not to do, let's look at what you should do when sending the first message to your match on Tinder (but can also be used on other dating apps!)
Find something you love
You should always try and find a part of their profile you find interesting. Are they wearing an amazing outfit? Have they traveled somewhere cool? Do you have a similar hobby that they've listed in their bio?
I have edited out the name and details of this match, but these screenshots give you a good idea of what the profile looks like! We'll call this match 'Sophie'. Sophie has given me permission to use these photos.
Here's a few photos from Sophie's profile...
I matched with Sophie a few hours ago. She had some amazing photos of herself and I was happy to match with her.
After matching, it was me who initiated contact by sending the first message on Tinder.
I recommend messaging your matches within 5 minutes of matching. Many people get a notification when they've matched with someone and it's always nice to receive a message as soon as you match, it shows that you're active on the app and you're eager to get to know the other person.
You'll probably see things online like 'Top 10 opening Tinder messages' or 'How to make any girl go crazy for you with these first messages!' - ignore them all, seriously.
There's no getting around a well-crafted message which you've taken time to put the effort in. Once again, you're dealing with real people. Who the hell wants to feel like 'another' person on a dating app that you've sent the same cheesy copy + paste message to? Not me, not your matches!
Here's what I sent Sophie...
See? Pretty simple!
First, I thanked Sophie for matching with me. I feel this is important as someone has taken the time to check out your profile and they find you attractive. Having someone match with you is a compliment - treat it like one!
Looking over someone's profile and mentally taking note on what you find interesting or could spark a conversation about is key to great, engaging conversations with your matches.
After I thanked her for matching, it was time for me to tell her that I liked one of her pictures. As I was sitting there looking at this photo, I was genuinely amazed at how big the sunflowers were. It's important that you don't fake interest in someone and just throw out any old compliment, you've actually got to pay attention. People, in general, will warm to you a lot quicker when you show interest in them. Always remember that success on dating apps is not about quantity, it's about quality.
I hope this blog post has been insightful for you!
P.s, check out this video about how to tell whether you've been shadowbanned on Tinder...